re-organization of society is a delicate and vital task.
We must be certain to ensure that the New World of Canuck
Splendor can be passed on to future Canadian generations.
We must also be certain to ensure
that all traces of anti-Canadian sentiment are cleansed
from the collective Canuck bloodstream.
All non-Canadians will be rounded up and brainwashed via
the clever use of the following: Well-reasoned and orderly
bilingual arguments in favour of Canada, Tragically Hip
CDs, Wendy Mesley, and finally, generous injections of
Tim Hortons coffee ... Should these tactics fail, the
un-affected subject will be politely convinced into either
committing suicide, or working for CAN-CO in the government-owned
asbestos factories of Quebec.
For those countries with larger populations, the use of
video screens is recommended, on which Sloan videos, "Goin'
Down The Road", "Road To Avonlea: The Final
Season", "Hard Core Logo" and the NFB's
"The Cat Came Back" can be played to the gathered
World Society will be then grouped into two main bodies.
The people judged to be Canadian-friendly (whether from
our cagey brainwashing or from pure fear of Canuck force),
and The Others.
The Others who are detained by the government will be
given the choice of the two options listed in point one
above. The Others who remain roaming about, trying to
start trouble or their own tiny terrorist organizations,
will be tolerated for a short time. They will be used
to make propaganda films for the Canadian government which
will film the capture and heroic arrests of the non-Canuck
fugitives by the RCMP. Smile for the camera kids!
Those friendly to Canadian concerns will be preferentially
treated -- given full doughnut privileges and a Canadian
Tire card. Troublemakers watch out; anyone attempting
to bring the structure down from the inside will receive
a serious smack and a lecture about "Trying To Mess
With The State".
In the New World Society, we expect everyone to pursue
their dreams provided they are of a Canadian-related nature.
Employment areas we believe will experience booms in the
coming years are: Canadian-Only Music Retailers (more
people should listen to Canuck tunes...no make that, "All
shall listen to Canuck tunes"), the CBC (NO more
cuts, ever...in fact, the CBC now has carte blanche
to spend on experimental television, Peter Mansbridge,
"Street Cents", dramas with Tanya Allen in them,
documentaries on salmon, bittersweet prairie romances,
and the indefatigable Daniel Richler), the armed forces
(who else is going to bravely subdue the world? Who else
will force Farley Mowat novels down the throats of new
Canadians?), and linguists (their services will be needed
in translating the cereal boxes of the world into both
French and English).
We firmly believe that the result of Canadian conquest
will be a united global force of calm, community-minded,
Globe and Mail-reading, Quebec-loving, Molson Canadian
beer shirt-wearing, blood-donating, polite, environmentally-concerned
people reluctantly willing to endure lengthy diplomatic
wars over our fishing rights but who would rather stay
home and barbeque on the patio. This is our vision.
"Multi-culturalism". Naturally as tolerant people,
we here at Canadian World Domination are not adverse to
the concept of multi-culturalism. We do not advocate the
abolition of diverse religions, languages or festivals
- We are especially fond of the beer-related parts of
Oktoberfest - However, the mandate of our organization
is to bring about the Canadianization of the world. So,
under the umbrella of CWD we support many varied lifestyles
but insist that they include loyalty to the state and
its laws, and the consumption of Timbits or viewing of
"The Log Driver's Waltz" regularly. NOTE: American
rhetoric or jingoism is not protected -- for the simple
reason that Canadian rhetoric and jingoism is far superior.
Concerning the use of "eh": it's now a legal
imperative. According to new Canadian-Content regulations,
all speech must include the use of "eh" 4 times
per 10 sentences. NOTE: the RCMP like to give out
"Good Canadian" stickers to anyone found exceeding
your new life as a Canadian! Partake of the many pleasure
of citizenship! And for those lucky to be born Canadian
-- grab a 'battle buddy' and help us get started!
Content copyright © 1997-2000 Generals Claire
& Jenny, Canadian World Domination.
Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.