Your Generals care passionately about your well-being and work tirelessly to ensure the world's transition from "hell-hole" to "Canadian paradise" will be as painless as possible. The wisdom of the Generals is a special resource available to everyone. If your homeland has been flooded and you need access to houseboat request forms, or if you would like to know more about the CWD bureaucracy, ask away! We encourage you to share personal dilemmas - A healthy mind equals a soldier who won't go wonky in the trenches. It's embarrassing for everyone when that happens.

Dear CWD,

Wouldn't it be appropriate to resurrect the CF-105 (I think), the Avro Arrow? I mean, it would sure kick those American planes.....

Or are you already doing that?

Keep up the good (and essential) work.


General Claire answers: Many aviation enthusiasts and Canadian history buffs are fans of the delta wing Avro Canada CF-105 Arrow, first flown in 1958 and controversially scrapped the following year. What many people do not know however, is that the Arrow was only one of many Canadian innovations shelved by the federal government in response to international pressure. Recent archival work performed by a task force directed by your Generals has uncovered several Cold War vehicles the United Nations Security Council deemed so potentially dangerous to global security that the prototypes would subsequently be crated and hidden in the bowels of the Royal Ontario Museum. Yes, imagine that -- powerful Canadian innovations locked up beside the Ark of the Covenant and other ROM-rejected antiques!

General Jenny answers: While that pussy Louis St. Laurent didn't have the courage to stand up to the UN and outfit the Canadian military with the protoypes our task force rediscovered, your CWD leaders have no such fear. Soon the world will shake with terror or intense trepidation at the sight of the Seagram's CAN-10 HoverCanoe, the Canadian Tire HoverCrazyCarpet, and the Beaver Lumber X-11 Personal HoverToque. Hey, can you hear that humming in the distance? See those dark blurs hovering ten centimetres above the ground? Onward righteous soldiers!

My dear and beneficent Generals,

As an American who has come to realize the futility and stupidity of resisting the advancing horde, and so, willingly submits to the invasion, I need to learn the ways and customs of the wise Canadians.

As one who just reached the legal age for alcohol consumption in America (21), what fine Canadian beers should I drink so that I can feel the "Canadian-ness" running through my veins?

Your thoughts and comments, although required, are always appreciated.

Your obedient servant,

P.S. I can't help but think that Canada is far more advanced than America in drinking customs. If you would would be so kind, what is the legal Canadian drinking age (if one exists)?

General Claire answers: Beer is a sensitive subject in Canada and will continue to be so under our empire! Since Canadian beers are brewed with Canadian water -- truly a liquid more civilized than water of other nations -- a patriot wishing to consume an appropriately frothy, malty, nectar of the empire can't go wrong by choosing any Canadian beer. The fact that a national debate exists over the merits of the large corporations' products vs. the small microbrewery brands is largely due to the CWD propaganda division. When Canadians gather in large groups your tyrants prefer they discuss beer rather than items of governmental policy.

General Jenny answers: The current drinking age in Canada varies from 19 to 18 according to which province you are doing your drinking in. This information will soon become irrelevant as under Canadian World Domination all Canadian citizens will be eligible to receive free beer rations, regardless of age, in exchange for loyalty oaths. We believe a well-beered populace is a productive one.

my dear and beloved Generals,

As a poor stupid american, I live in st.louis which is the future location for horton bay. My question is, shall the st.louis blues be moved to a diffrent location, or shall I be required to become a habs fan?

If my generals require it, it shall be done.

your pitiful american servant Pat "The hep cat"

p.s. thanks for showing me the futility of opposing your great invasion.

General Claire answers: A compliant individual in an occupied zone! Besides whiskers on kittens, definitely one of my favourite things. I see no need to correct the upcoming aquarification of the St. Louis Blues. Surely their technique will improve underwater.

General Jenny answers: Don't forget, those losing their land to Horton Bay after CWD will be provided with houseboats should they desire to remain in their former location. A houseboat is an excellent place to sit back, enjoy a 50, and learn to love the Habs.

Hello Canada people,

It is evident that you have trained your fecund hordes thoroughly. In fact the invasion date must be soon, for I have noticed that you have massed almost all of your population along the American border. Very cunning indeed.

However, you must be warned of the Americans' "new" secret weapon: the Amish. Yes, much more than a bunch of religious wackos, this group of quote "wierdos" is in actuality represents an elite force of guerilla warriors in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. How do you plan to handle this?

PS. They have pitchforks you know.
Laurence Henry Sigler

General Claire answers: Haven't you seen Witness starring Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis? I learned to cherish, not fear, the Amish. Why do so many fear the Amish? They can't fight back. When those fat bourgeois tourists put ice cream on Alexander Godunov's nose I got really cross. If you don't feel the pathos there, you don't have a heart.

General Jenny answers: Not surprisingly, Canada's Mennonites outperform America's Amish. Look to your Northern neighbours for barnraisings in half the time.

Hail Most Worthy Tyrants:

Most of the Americans who write in to bash our glorious plan of World Domination enjoy citing the size of their army. I am convinced this is a kind of thinly vailed attempt at comparing the size of penises.

Please Comment.

Loyaly yours, Ed

General Claire answers: Ed, your "compensation theory" seems credible. I have surveyed many American penises and have always found them slightly wanting both in length and thickness.

General Jenny answers: Yes, Canuck schlongs are markedly bigger when inspected. What's incredible is that this is still while they are shrunk from the cold. Think on that!

Most Decorated Generals,

What happened to the Fraggles of Fraggle Rock? They weren't eaten by the dog, were they?


General Claire answers: Mike, it has honestly never occurred to me to wonder about that! I hope they're all okay. I'm sure they're okay. Fraggles are hardy little beasties.

General Jenny answers: Red and Mokey Fraggle were captured and encased in glass to be exhibited at the CBC Museum. For centuries man has oppressed people of felt. When will humanity learn? Just because you can stick your fist up someone's backside doesn't mean they don't have civil rights.

Dear CWD Leaders, I am faced with a serious problem. I, a true Canadian, was forced (kicking and screaming) to move to the inhospitable US and now I am forced to go to school with these soon-to-be-slaves. I was doing a simple math problem out loud for the class and the teacher would not accecpt my saying of the letter Z. I repeatedly pronounced it as "zed" and he insisted it to be "zee". How should I make this fool suffer?


General Claire answers:
First, our sympathies concerning your current location. I hope you find comfort in the knowledge of the upcoming Canadian conquest. I urge you not to argue with the "educators" in your area. To know they are wrong is satisfaction enough. Please take notes of the times and places you experience incidents like the one you describe. The information will soon be useful to commanders of our occupying forces and you and your loved ones will be well rewarded.

General Jenny answers:
When I am frustrated by the ignorant I try visualization exercises: Your excellent General stomping those who oppose her, your excellent General being extremely bad ass, your excellent General reading the casuality listings and noting the numbers in our favour, your excellent General dining off the backs of enslaved peasants - warming thoughts like these. Try it yourself. You will gain the self -control to stay cool in intolerable conditions like American classrooms

Most High Generals Claire and Jenny,

Here's my problem: I think one of my close friends (whose identity shall remain undisclosed at this time due to the impending investigation into this matter) might be an American spy sent to Canada by Clinton himself!

He has never seen "The Littlest Hobo" and does not know the tune to "Hockey Night in Canada." Is this evidance enough to declare him guilty of being a stupid red-neck American? Should I terminate the friendship and inform the RCMP? Please help--you are the only people I know I can turn to! Your faithful follower until the end,


General Claire answers:
Naomi, we call these people "retards". We reserve our pity and compassion for such individuals. Inform your "friend" of his upcoming assignment to CWD Special (Re)Education Facilities -- That is, if he can be made to understand (you might want to employ illustrative diagrams as a learning aid).

General Jenny answers:
Why would you spend time with someone who does not know the HNIC theme? If I were a more suspicious tyrant I would suspect you of deliberate association with the enemy. As it is, your letter has been added to a "file". (That's never a good thing).

Dear Esteemed and Glorious Generals,

Long may You live and Rule. I am trying to move my family North-ward state by state. We are preparing to move to Northern Oregon- a mighty leap up- into a town very near the Washington state border (just one state away- I am all a-tremble). My husband does not realize that my true intentions are to eventually settle in Canada (yes, I realize that all will be Canada in due time, but I am impatient). Can You please, in Your Wisdom, give me a few good arguments for moving "just a little more North"? Or should I just drug him, load up the van, and go- setting up our new, more northward house, exactly as the less Northward house in hopes of confusing him into submission? It is likely that, if he woke up in a colder climate, he would just go along with it. Also- are there any good Canadian health food cookbooks with which I can infiltrate our kitchen? (He does all the cooking, but will make what I ask for.)

Trying my best to indoctrinate the tall,

Miss Clare, Your obedient servantess

General Claire answers:
I love to give marital advice. The best way to trick a husband is to not trick him at all. Sit your man down and tell him directly, "I am an agent of an imperialistic force. I plan to join my brethren in the promised land." Your well-reasoned arguments in favour of Canadian rule will convince a rational husband to pack up and move. If not, I hear that even American houses have basements in which bodies can be hidden.

General Jenny answers:
Congratulations on the division of labour in your household. Cooking is for boys. Women are naturally geared towards management of such an activity. There are many fine Canadian recipes to be found on maple syrup cans, Kraft Dinner boxes and Shreddies packets, but I suggest you print out our own CWD Recipes to use in your plan. The number of military terms in the naming scheme for our recipes will intrigue and arouse your husband. Men like war and things that sound war-related. Be prepared for a lot of sex in the coming weeks.

Besides Canada, which country do you think is the most Canadian?

Taran Grey _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
P.S. If I make the cut, please include my web address if possible. Some of your soldiers are the straight up brightest, funniest folks I've read on-line.

General Claire answers:
Gee. I don't know. Like, Sweden?

General Jenny answers:
I will personally execute anyone who leaves our fine web site to visit Taran's.

A question for the generals

When the revolution comes, will there still be rap music? If so, will it be more Kraft dinner oriented and less misogynistic and street-wise?

John Phillip Sousa

General Claire answers:
That brings up interesting questions about the role of totalitarian government in determining the creative direction of art within the Canadian empire. Basically, be misogynistic and street-wise as long as you provide French translation. For example: "Big pimping" is "Grand Ítre souteneur."

General Jenny answers:
Far be it from me to deprive legendary rhyme master "Snow" of his only legitimate source of income. Long live slightly embarrassing white-bread Canuck rap.

Comrade Generals,

I am a fervent supporter of our right and proper cause. I truly believe that the stinging tongue of the iron whip of correct socialist thinking shall displace the deluded capitalist misbelievers and shall cast them to the pit of reason. Anyhoo, I was imbibing a large amount of Canadian lager with my expendable, cannon-fodder friends when one of them lost control of their liver and spewed pre-drunk alcohol upon my carpet. Naturally, I banished his ass to the Evil Pit of Sin (read: toilet) and am currently stuck with a large, foul-smelling stain upon my Canadian-made carpet. I have covered it with a rug, but that will only fool my reactionary parents for a limited amount of time. Please, O Magnificent Generals, help me!

Glory to the Cause,
-Dead if I'm Caught
(PS. Please put this on your Ask the Generals Page!)


General Claire answers:
Puke on the rug - Serious dilemma but fixable. Okay dude, here's what you do and you'd better move fast! Go get yourself a Canadian product called "Roto-Static Carpet Stain Remover" (manufactured by Robben Industries). Now this is stuff you should have used immediately on the fine Canadian carpet, but not everyone can be as wise as me. Pull off the rug to reveal the stain and dump a generous amount of product all over the vomit residue. Blot carefully! Dump some more product on. Blot some more! Unless your friend vomited ink or bleach the organic material should dissolve well, even if it has been dried for a while. This is the same stuff we use on the occasional vomit stains in our torture facilities. Yes, our torture facilities are carpeted. We aren't barbarians, you know.

General Jenny answers:
In the unlikely event that nothing can lift the stain you still have several options. If there is an animal or young child in your house, pull a pre-emptive strike by wetting the stain and covering it with paper towels. Run and get a parent and tell them indignantly, "Look what <name> did on my rug!" Put on your most vexed face and explain how you tried to clean it once you discovered it. Appeal to the parent for advice, "Will it ever come out!?" This works best on mothers; they are always pleased to see sons taking an interest in the welfare of carpets in the house.

Respected Generals:

Even though I am an American by birth, I think may be genetically predisposed to being Canadian because everyone says I'm to polite, that and one of my favorite TV shows is DUE South. I am a 19 year old male college student who is currently taking up computer net-working. What can I do to help further Canadian World Domination?

Timothy Martin

General Claire answers:
It is true that one can be predisposed to being Canadian. The type of people who always complain that room temperature feels "too warm" have that "Canuck Gene" and should really be wearing flannel and living in a more civilized climate (Northern). Timothy, you can help further CWD by passing on these Canadian traits of yours to offspring. Have kids and raise them as loyal citizens of our new world order. This means you're going to have to score with a chick. You may want to consider changing your major.

General Jenny answers:
There is no such thing as "too polite" when we are at war. Enemies do not suspect people who say "please" and "thank you" of malevolence. Advantage: Canada!

Wise Generals,

"Who let the dogs out?"


General Claire answers:
Folks, remember - Your Generals are the alpha and the omega! If there is any "letting out of dogs" to be had it is by the will of your charitable and saintly tyrants alone.

General Jenny answers:
I'd rather know who let the Doge out. Patrician Andrea Gritti, if you're reading this call home; Titian wants a word.

Dear Benevolent Generals:

Isn't there some sort of way that we can punish Canadians that spell colour "c-o-l-o-r"? I mean come on.....I'm all for liberal rights but there's gotta be a line. What about arm-hair snipping? It's tough but fair........


General Claire answers:
It is important for all Canadians to remember the rights of the individual. Invasive procedures like arm-pit beautification are not in the spirit of our compassionate regime. Typical light punishments of our Draconian bureaucracy include shifts in our asbestos mines or the memorization of Margaret Laurence's "The Stone Angel". These are healthy, self-improving activities aimed at building a better people.

General Jenny answers:
A true Canadian would never spell colour without the crucial "u". This is one of the characteristics separating the chosen people from miscreants!

Dearest leaders,

Which cast member of the "Smoggies!" would you be?


General Claire answers:
I would be Suntot monarch "Princess Lila". It's always good to see women with undemocratic authority over others represented on television.

General Jenny answers:
Smoggie villain and industrial baron "Emma" was the only interesting character on that show. The Suntots were commendable for their collective organization and co-operative approach to social programs, but short things give me the creeps.

All knowing Generals,

I love my country dearly (Canada of course...who could love any other country), but I go to grad school in the States. I've fallen in love with a beautiful American girl and I'm graduating in May. Should I move back to Canada to strengthen our economy or should I stay down here with the love of my life and contribute to the brain drain?

What's a Canadian to do?

Bud the Spud

General Claire answers:
Bud -- Stay right where you are. Canada is coming to you.

General Jenny answers:
While you are waiting for our troops to get down there, prepare the area. Tell everyone of the coming invasion and don't spare them a graphic description of Canada's legendary brutality. It is wise to prepare your woman too. If your American tart is not appropriately compliant she will have to be reassigned to some other male for Canadianization. Just giving you fair warning.

My most honoured and respected Generals,

I want a haircut but I'm in a new city and away from my regular hairdresser. I'm ready for something new and bold but I'm afraid! What if it all goes badly? Help me, please.

Anna in Barrie

General Claire answers:
Decisions about hairstyles should not be taken lightly. You did well in coming to us. First you must choose a style you like. I suggest you find a photograph of this hairstyle to bring to your hairdresser. Visual aids always help! Be aware that what looks good on a beautiful woman like myself may not compliment the average citizen. Important Note: Don't cut it all off at once! The change can be too startling. Years ago I got my hair caught in a tractor wheel, that was a bad incident and no doubt about it.

General Jenny answers:
FIRST you should inquire as to the political history of this "stylist". Is she a reactionary? Is she an American in disguise? That is to say --- Does she belong to the Canadian Alliance? If you suspect your stylist of objectionable opinion DO NOT get in that chair! Your hair may be cut with awkward layers. The kind that always look puffy! We've heard stories about such incidents. That's all I'll say about that.


I've lost a report for school somewhere in my house and it's due tomorrow. I just can't seem to find it! What can I do!?

Totally in Trouble

General Claire answers:
There is only one way to resolve this. Contact JoJo immediately. Along with "loving" you and "kissing" you she will use her Quebecois psychic powers to ameliorate this terrible situation.

General Jenny answers:
It's always in the last place you look, FOOL!
(I demand better screening of these letters. My time is precious.)

Generals --

I think I'm in love with a Canadian girl!!!
How can I get her interested in me?


General Claire answers:
To attract a Canadian you must think like one! Be respectful, be polite. Watch "Due South" for pointers on proper posture. Try to develop self-esteem issues. Tell this woman, "I like you. Is that alright with you?" Cultivate an interest in Canadian micro-breweries. Tell her you loved "The Hanging Garden", she will be impressed by your taste in Canadian movies. (Don't worry about being found out, she hasn't seen it either, nobody's seen it, really.) If you get stuck say "So, Matthew Good is pretty cool, eh?" The "eh" asks for her validation. Canadian girls love to validate men. Personally, I have always found myself inexplicably attracted to men wearing the CWD t-shirt which can be conveniently purchased on this web site.

General Jenny answers:
You must take control of the situation. Tell your girl that you are going mountaineering and "Baby, would you come along and hold my rope?" Note that 'hold my rope' is a sexual metaphor. This will get her extremely hot. Surprise the girl by taking her camping, all Canadian women love following a man through the bush. Mention "bush" as much as possible, Canadians love puns. Remember black flies are your friends. Hot chicks always like to escape the bugs by skinny-dipping in fresh mountain streams. I make a point of doing just that a few times a week. It's just as sexy as in the beer commercials. Good luck! (Here's a tip for the unCanadian: The easiest women in Canada go to the University of Western Ontario.)

Dear honourable Generals,

Isn't Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway" the best song ever recorded! ! ?


General Claire answers:
"Life is a Highway" scores highly when examined on several levels.

1) Canadian content in the mention of "Vancouver's lights".
2) Repetitive chorus can be used for indoctrination of the unCanadian. Particularly: "Gimme gimme gimme YEAH!"
3) Hardcore harmonica solo.
4) Clever rhymes like "highway" and "my way".

General Jenny answers:
I always get Tom Cochrane and Bif Naked confused.
One's a girl, I know that.

Fearless Dominators,

If you could be any Transformer ....
Which one would you be?


General Claire answers:
I'd be the one that transforms into -- SOMETHING TO KICK YOUR ASS WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? We are trying to use loving and kind interaction with the public to solve community issues here. You should have at least asked us which cast member of the "Smoggies!" we'd be.

General Jenny answers:
I'd be Soundwave. That was one stone cold robot.

Send your questions to the Generals!



Comrade Leonard

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