Generals care passionately about your well-being and work
tirelessly to ensure the world's transition from "hell-hole"
to "Canadian paradise" will be as painless as
possible. The wisdom of the Generals is a special resource
available to everyone. If your homeland has been flooded
and you need access to houseboat request forms, or if
you would like to know more about the CWD bureaucracy,
ask away! We encourage you to share personal dilemmas
- A healthy mind equals a soldier who won't go wonky in
the trenches. It's embarrassing for everyone when that
it be appropriate to resurrect the CF-105 (I think),
the Avro Arrow? I mean, it would sure kick those
are you already doing that?
up the good (and essential) work.
Claire answers: Many aviation enthusiasts and Canadian
history buffs are fans of the delta wing Avro Canada CF-105
Arrow, first flown in 1958 and controversially scrapped
the following year. What many people do not know however,
is that the Arrow was only one of many Canadian innovations
shelved by the federal government in response to international
pressure. Recent archival work performed by a task force
directed by your Generals has uncovered several Cold War
vehicles the United Nations Security Council deemed so
potentially dangerous to global security that the prototypes
would subsequently be crated and hidden in the bowels
of the Royal Ontario Museum. Yes, imagine that -- powerful
Canadian innovations locked up beside the Ark of the Covenant
and other ROM-rejected antiques!
Jenny answers: While that pussy Louis St. Laurent
didn't have the courage to stand up to the UN and outfit
the Canadian military with the protoypes our task force
rediscovered, your CWD leaders have no such fear. Soon
the world will shake with terror or intense trepidation
at the sight of the Seagram's CAN-10 HoverCanoe, the Canadian
Tire HoverCrazyCarpet, and the Beaver Lumber X-11 Personal
HoverToque. Hey, can you hear that humming in the distance?
See those dark blurs hovering ten centimetres above the
ground? Onward righteous soldiers!
My dear and beneficent Generals,
an American who has come to realize the futility
and stupidity of resisting the advancing horde,
and so, willingly submits to the invasion, I need
to learn the ways and customs of the wise Canadians.
one who just reached the legal age for alcohol consumption
in America (21), what fine Canadian beers should
I drink so that I can feel the "Canadian-ness"
running through my veins?
thoughts and comments, although required, are always
I can't help but think that Canada is far more advanced
than America in drinking customs. If you would would
be so kind, what is the legal Canadian drinking
age (if one exists)?
Claire answers: Beer is a sensitive subject in Canada
and will continue to be so under our empire! Since Canadian
beers are brewed with Canadian water -- truly a liquid
more civilized than water of other nations -- a patriot
wishing to consume an appropriately frothy, malty, nectar
of the empire can't go wrong by choosing any Canadian
beer. The fact that a national debate exists over the
merits of the large corporations' products vs. the small
microbrewery brands is largely due to the CWD propaganda
division. When Canadians gather in large groups your tyrants
prefer they discuss beer rather than items of governmental
Jenny answers: The current drinking age in Canada
varies from 19 to 18 according to which province you are
doing your drinking in. This information will soon become
irrelevant as under Canadian World Domination all Canadian
citizens will be eligible to receive free beer rations,
regardless of age, in exchange for loyalty oaths. We believe
a well-beered populace is a productive one.
my dear and beloved Generals,
As a poor stupid american, I live in st.louis which
is the future location for horton bay. My question
is, shall the st.louis blues be moved to a diffrent
location, or shall I be required to become a habs
If my generals require it, it shall be done.
your pitiful american servant Pat
"The hep cat"
p.s. thanks for showing me the futility of opposing
your great invasion.
Claire answers: A compliant individual in an occupied
zone! Besides whiskers on kittens, definitely one of my
favourite things. I see no need to correct the upcoming
aquarification of the St. Louis Blues. Surely their technique
will improve underwater.
Jenny answers: Don't forget, those losing their land
to Horton Bay after CWD will be provided with houseboats
should they desire to remain in their former location.
A houseboat is an excellent place to sit back, enjoy a
50, and learn to love the Habs.
Hello Canada people,
It is evident that you have trained your fecund hordes
thoroughly. In fact the invasion date must be soon,
for I have noticed that you have massed almost all
of your population along the American border. Very
However, you must be warned of the Americans' "new"
secret weapon: the Amish. Yes, much more than a bunch
of religious wackos, this group of quote "wierdos"
is in actuality represents an elite force of guerilla
warriors in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. How
do you plan to handle this?
PS. They have pitchforks you know.
Claire answers: Haven't you seen Witness
starring Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis? I learned to
cherish, not fear, the Amish. Why do so many fear the
Amish? They can't fight back. When those fat bourgeois
tourists put ice cream on Alexander Godunov's nose I got
really cross. If you don't feel the pathos there, you
don't have a heart.
Jenny answers: Not surprisingly, Canada's Mennonites
outperform America's Amish. Look to your Northern neighbours
for barnraisings in half the time.
Hail Most Worthy Tyrants:
Most of the Americans who write in to bash our glorious
plan of World Domination enjoy citing the size of
their army. I am convinced this is a kind of thinly
vailed attempt at comparing the size of penises.
Loyaly yours, Ed
Claire answers: Ed, your "compensation theory"
seems credible. I have surveyed many American penises
and have always found them slightly wanting both in length
Jenny answers: Yes, Canuck schlongs are markedly bigger
when inspected. What's incredible is that this is still
while they are shrunk from the cold. Think on that!
Most Decorated Generals,
happened to the Fraggles of Fraggle Rock? They weren't
eaten by the dog, were they?
Claire answers: Mike, it has honestly never occurred
to me to wonder about that! I hope they're all okay. I'm
sure they're okay. Fraggles are hardy little beasties.
Jenny answers: Red and Mokey Fraggle were captured
and encased in glass to be exhibited at the CBC
Museum. For centuries man has oppressed people of
felt. When will humanity learn? Just because you can stick
your fist up someone's backside doesn't mean they don't
have civil rights.
CWD Leaders, I am faced with a serious problem. I,
a true Canadian, was forced (kicking and screaming)
to move to the inhospitable US and now I am forced
to go to school with these soon-to-be-slaves. I was
doing a simple math problem out loud for the class
and the teacher would not accecpt my saying of the
letter Z. I repeatedly pronounced it as "zed" and
he insisted it to be "zee". How should I make this
First, our sympathies concerning your current location.
I hope you find comfort in the knowledge of the upcoming
Canadian conquest. I urge you not to argue with the "educators"
in your area. To know they are wrong is satisfaction enough.
Please take notes of the times and places you experience
incidents like the one you describe. The information will
soon be useful to commanders of our occupying forces and
you and your loved ones will be well rewarded.
When I am frustrated by the ignorant I try visualization
exercises: Your excellent General stomping those who oppose
her, your excellent General being extremely bad ass, your
excellent General reading the casuality listings and noting
the numbers in our favour, your excellent General dining
off the backs of enslaved peasants - warming thoughts
like these. Try it yourself. You will gain the self -control
to stay cool in intolerable conditions like American classrooms
High Generals Claire and Jenny,
my problem: I think one of my close friends (whose
identity shall remain undisclosed at this time due
to the impending investigation into this matter)
might be an American spy sent to Canada by Clinton
has never seen "The Littlest Hobo" and does not
know the tune to "Hockey Night in Canada." Is this
evidance enough to declare him guilty of being a
stupid red-neck American? Should I terminate the
friendship and inform the RCMP? Please help--you
are the only people I know I can turn to! Your faithful
follower until the end,
Naomi, we call these people "retards". We reserve
our pity and compassion for such individuals. Inform your
"friend" of his upcoming assignment to CWD Special
(Re)Education Facilities -- That is, if he can be made
to understand (you might want to employ illustrative diagrams
as a learning aid).
Why would you spend time with someone who does not know
the HNIC theme? If I were a more suspicious tyrant I would
suspect you of deliberate association with the enemy.
As it is, your letter has been added to a "file".
(That's never a good thing).
Esteemed and Glorious Generals,
Long may You live and Rule. I am trying to move my
family North-ward state by state. We are preparing
to move to Northern Oregon- a mighty leap up- into
a town very near the Washington state border (just
one state away- I am all a-tremble). My husband does
not realize that my true intentions are to eventually
settle in Canada (yes, I realize that all will be
Canada in due time, but I am impatient). Can You please,
in Your Wisdom, give me a few good arguments for moving
"just a little more North"? Or should I just drug
him, load up the van, and go- setting up our new,
more northward house, exactly as the less Northward
house in hopes of confusing him into submission? It
is likely that, if he woke up in a colder climate,
he would just go along with it. Also- are there any
good Canadian health food cookbooks with which I can
infiltrate our kitchen? (He does all the cooking,
but will make what I ask for.)
Trying my best to indoctrinate the tall,
Clare, Your obedient servantess
I love to give marital advice. The best way to trick a
husband is to not trick him at all. Sit your man down
and tell him directly, "I am an agent of an imperialistic
force. I plan to join my brethren in the promised land."
Your well-reasoned arguments in favour of Canadian rule
will convince a rational husband to pack up and move.
If not, I hear that even American houses have basements
in which bodies can be hidden.
Congratulations on the division of labour in your household.
Cooking is for boys. Women are naturally geared towards
management of such an activity. There are many fine Canadian
recipes to be found on maple syrup cans, Kraft Dinner
boxes and Shreddies packets, but I suggest you print out
our own CWD Recipes to use
in your plan. The number of military terms in the naming
scheme for our recipes will intrigue and arouse your husband.
Men like war and things that sound war-related. Be prepared
for a lot of sex in the coming weeks.
Canada, which country do you think is the most Canadian?
P.S. If I make the cut, please include my web address
if possible. Some of your soldiers are the straight
up brightest, funniest folks I've read on-line.
Gee. I don't know. Like, Sweden?
will personally execute anyone who leaves our fine web
site to visit Taran's.
question for the generals
When the revolution comes, will there still be rap
music? If so, will it be more Kraft dinner oriented
and less misogynistic and street-wise?
John Phillip Sousa
That brings up interesting questions about the role of
totalitarian government in determining the creative direction
of art within the Canadian empire. Basically, be misogynistic
and street-wise as long as you provide French translation.
For example: "Big pimping" is "Grand
Far be it from me to deprive legendary rhyme master "Snow"
of his only legitimate source of income. Long live slightly
embarrassing white-bread Canuck rap.
I am a fervent supporter of our right and proper cause.
I truly believe that the stinging tongue of the iron
whip of correct socialist thinking shall displace
the deluded capitalist misbelievers and shall cast
them to the pit of reason. Anyhoo, I was imbibing
a large amount of Canadian lager with my expendable,
cannon-fodder friends when one of them lost control
of their liver and spewed pre-drunk alcohol upon my
carpet. Naturally, I banished his ass to the Evil
Pit of Sin (read: toilet) and am currently stuck with
a large, foul-smelling stain upon my Canadian-made
carpet. I have covered it with a rug, but that will
only fool my reactionary parents for a limited amount
of time. Please, O Magnificent Generals, help me!
Glory to the Cause,
-Dead if I'm Caught
(PS. Please put this on your Ask the Generals Page!)
Puke on the rug - Serious dilemma but fixable. Okay dude,
here's what you do and you'd better move fast! Go get
yourself a Canadian product called "Roto-Static Carpet
Stain Remover" (manufactured by Robben Industries).
Now this is stuff you should have used immediately on
the fine Canadian carpet, but not everyone can be as wise
as me. Pull off the rug to reveal the stain and dump a
generous amount of product all over the vomit residue.
Blot carefully! Dump some more product on. Blot some more!
Unless your friend vomited ink or bleach the organic material
should dissolve well, even if it has been dried for a
while. This is the same stuff we use on the occasional
vomit stains in our torture facilities. Yes, our torture
facilities are carpeted. We aren't barbarians, you know.
In the unlikely event that nothing can lift the stain
you still have several options. If there is an animal
or young child in your house, pull a pre-emptive strike
by wetting the stain and covering it with paper towels.
Run and get a parent and tell them indignantly, "Look
what <name> did on my rug!" Put on your most
vexed face and explain how you tried to clean it once
you discovered it. Appeal to the parent for advice, "Will
it ever come out!?" This works best on mothers; they
are always pleased to see sons taking an interest in the
welfare of carpets in the house.
Even though I am an American by birth, I think may
be genetically predisposed to being Canadian because
everyone says I'm to polite, that and one of my
favorite TV shows is DUE South. I am a 19 year old
male college student who is currently taking up
computer net-working. What can I do to help further
Canadian World Domination?
It is true that one can be predisposed to being Canadian.
The type of people who always complain that room temperature
feels "too warm" have that "Canuck Gene"
and should really be wearing flannel and living in a more
civilized climate (Northern). Timothy, you can help further
CWD by passing on these Canadian traits of yours to offspring.
Have kids and raise them as loyal citizens of our new
world order. This means you're going to have to score
with a chick. You may want to consider changing your major.
There is no such thing as "too polite" when
we are at war. Enemies do not suspect people who say "please"
and "thank you" of malevolence. Advantage: Canada!
let the dogs out?"
Folks, remember - Your Generals are the alpha and the
omega! If there is any "letting out of dogs"
to be had it is by the will of your charitable and saintly
I'd rather know who let the Doge out. Patrician Andrea
Gritti, if you're reading this call home; Titian wants
Isn't there some sort of way that we can punish
Canadians that spell colour "c-o-l-o-r"? I mean
come on.....I'm all for liberal rights but there's
gotta be a line. What about arm-hair snipping? It's
tough but fair........
It is important for all Canadians to remember the rights
of the individual. Invasive procedures like arm-pit beautification
are not in the spirit of our compassionate regime. Typical
light punishments of our Draconian bureaucracy include
shifts in our asbestos mines or the memorization of Margaret
Laurence's "The Stone Angel". These are healthy,
self-improving activities aimed at building a better people.
A true Canadian would never spell colour without the crucial
"u". This is one of the characteristics separating
the chosen people from miscreants!
cast member of the "Smoggies!" would you be?
I would be Suntot monarch "Princess Lila". It's
always good to see women with undemocratic authority over
others represented on television.
Smoggie villain and industrial baron "Emma"
was the only interesting character on that show. The Suntots
were commendable for their collective organization and
co-operative approach to social programs, but short things
give me the creeps.
love my country dearly (Canada of course...who could
love any other country), but I go to grad school
in the States. I've fallen in love with a beautiful
American girl and I'm graduating in May. Should
I move back to Canada to strengthen our economy
or should I stay down here with the love of my life
and contribute to the brain drain?
a Canadian to do?
Bud the Spud
Bud -- Stay right where you are. Canada is coming to you.
While you are waiting for our troops to get down there,
prepare the area. Tell everyone of the coming invasion
and don't spare them a graphic description of Canada's
legendary brutality. It is wise to prepare your woman
too. If your American tart is not appropriately compliant
she will have to be reassigned to some other male for
Canadianization. Just giving you fair warning.
most honoured and respected Generals,
want a haircut but I'm in a new city and away from
my regular hairdresser. I'm ready for something
new and bold but I'm afraid! What if it all goes
badly? Help me, please.
about hairstyles should not be taken lightly. You did
well in coming to us. First you must choose a style you
like. I suggest you find a photograph of this hairstyle
to bring to your hairdresser. Visual aids always help!
Be aware that what looks good on a beautiful woman like
myself may not compliment the average citizen. Important
Note: Don't cut it all off at once! The change can be
too startling. Years ago I got my hair caught in a tractor
wheel, that was a bad incident and no doubt about it.
you should inquire as to the political history of this
"stylist". Is she a reactionary? Is she an American in
disguise? That is to say --- Does she belong to the Canadian
Alliance? If you suspect your stylist of objectionable
opinion DO NOT get in that chair! Your hair may be cut
with awkward layers. The kind that always look puffy!
We've heard stories about such incidents. That's all I'll
say about that.
lost a report for school somewhere in my house and
it's due tomorrow. I just can't seem to find it!
What can I do!?
There is only one way to resolve this. Contact JoJo immediately.
Along with "loving" you and "kissing" you she will use
her Quebecois psychic powers to ameliorate this terrible
It's always in the last place you look, FOOL!
demand better screening of these letters. My time is precious.)
think I'm in love with a Canadian girl!!!
How can I get her interested in me?
To attract a Canadian you must think like one! Be respectful,
be polite. Watch "Due South" for pointers on proper posture.
Try to develop self-esteem issues. Tell this woman, "I
like you. Is that alright with you?" Cultivate an interest
in Canadian micro-breweries. Tell her you loved "The Hanging
Garden", she will be impressed by your taste in Canadian
movies. (Don't worry about being found out, she hasn't
seen it either, nobody's seen it, really.) If you get
stuck say "So, Matthew Good is pretty cool, eh?" The "eh"
asks for her validation. Canadian girls love to validate
men. Personally, I have always found myself inexplicably
attracted to men wearing the CWD
t-shirt which can be conveniently purchased on this
You must take control of the situation. Tell your girl
that you are going mountaineering and "Baby, would you
come along and hold my rope?" Note that 'hold my rope'
is a sexual metaphor. This will get her extremely hot.
Surprise the girl by taking her camping, all Canadian
women love following a man through the bush. Mention "bush"
as much as possible, Canadians love puns. Remember black
flies are your friends. Hot chicks always like to escape
the bugs by skinny-dipping in fresh mountain streams.
I make a point of doing just that a few times a week.
It's just as sexy as in the beer commercials. Good luck!
(Here's a tip for the unCanadian: The easiest women in
Canada go to the University of Western Ontario.)
Isn't Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway" the best
song ever recorded! ! ?
"Life is a Highway" scores highly when examined on several
Canadian content in the mention of "Vancouver's lights".
2) Repetitive chorus can be used for indoctrination of
the unCanadian. Particularly: "Gimme gimme gimme YEAH!"
3) Hardcore harmonica solo.
4) Clever rhymes like "highway" and "my way".
I always get Tom Cochrane and Bif Naked confused.
One's a girl, I know that.
you could be any Transformer ....
Which one would you be?
I'd be the one that transforms into -- SOMETHING TO KICK
YOUR ASS WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? We are trying
to use loving and kind interaction with the public to
solve community issues here. You should have at least
asked us which cast member of the "Smoggies!"
General Jenny answers:
I'd be Soundwave. That was one stone cold robot.
your questions to the Generals!