Valentine's Spectacular

Comrade Jennifer
Jennifer Tilly: Only one of many million Canuck hotties about to dominate the planet.

If there's anyone who knows love it's Canadian World Domination!

Our mandate has always been to bring about Canada's ultimate and lasting tyranny in order to gift the globe with the kindly yet harsh blessings of Canadian rule. It's all about the love, baby.

We're hoping our comrades and captives in occupied zones are having a romantic St. Valentine's Day. Whether huddling in the trenches with foxy companions from across enemy lines, or partying it up at a spontaneous candlelit bonspeil, we want you all to have a memorable holiday.

Follow these Top Five CWD suggestions for a successful Valentine's!

5/ Start off the day with love on your mind. Rise early before your special comrade and scrape the ice off your sweetheart's windshield before your valentine heads off to battle. Put some elbow into it and scrape heart shapes on the windshield and windows to impress your Canuck cutie. Think of the many erotic variations on "Wash Me" you can carve into that half metre of ice on the hood!

4/ You can't possibly consume enough maple syrup on St. Valentine's Day! It may be a staple of our Northern diet, but there's no doubt that the romantic properties of maple syrup are legendary. Who could turn down an experience sure to be both sticky and sweet?

We asked our mascot beaver Gordie what was in his combat flask, and the answer proved to be most agreeable to fans of maple-flavoured booze. Straight from the front lines, here's a recipe for a beverage sure to charm Canadian cuties from coast to coast.

Gordie's "This is what was in my flask" Valentine's Day Cocktail of Polar Delight

10 oz (300 mL) Scotch
5 oz (150 ml) Vodka
4 oz (120 ml) Maple syrup

Stir maple syrup into a glass with ice and the Scotch and Vodka. Give it a minute to settle and then down the hatch!

Maple jug!

3/ You'll need a special place to consume that maple syrup, why not take your best gal or guy outside for a winter wonderland picnic? Call your sled dogs away from tearing out the throats of the unCanadian -- No time for play on Valentine's Day!

Bundle up your cutie in your Sunday best flannel and stock your sled with romantic delectables. Anything you hope your honey will lick off the small exposed sections of your flesh not layered under winter gear should go in the picnic basket. Don't forget beer and Coffee Crisp. The beauty of the wilderness picnic is the clean-up time. Shake out the Coffee Crisp crumbs in the snow and toss leftover tortiere to the dogs!

Tips for making a move on a hottie trapped under shell after shell of Mountain Equipment Co-op: You'll find many of those jackets can be modified to zip together to create giant, four-armed nylon liners or Gore-tek snowpants with room for two.

Is it your own synthetic igloo or a steamy love shack? You decide!

2/ Soften up a grumpy honey with a cozy viewing of the Road to Avonlea episode where Aunt Hetty's sharp tongue inadvertently offends Olivia.

Now any Canadian will realize there are four episodes containing this plot -- But you want the one after Olivia marries Jasper, before Cecily contracts tuberculosis, and after Felicity goes to medical school.

Give your valentine a big smooch each time Hetty says, "Have you taken leave of your senses!?" Even bigger smooches if the cannery is flooded, burnt, collapsed, or runs out of fish.

Comrade Hetty
Hetty King: Determined to give you a much better Valentine's Day than you'd find over in Carmody.

1/ Who can resist a roaring fire on a snowy February evening? Certainly not your Canadian beloved. All you need to build your own romantic bonfire is the following:

- Eight cords of wood (Take care that they are procured from forests in our occupied territories as true Canadian trees need to stay where they are -- they are preparing to scare the shit out of the Scottish when we "come to Dunsinane").

- One can of lighter fluid (Our love experts advise tying a red velvet bow around the can; your special someone will appreciate this attention to detail!).

Organize your logs in the triangular tented fashion you all learned about in Re-education camp. Put your arm around your sweetie and sprinkle lighter fluid on the wood. Strike a match off the unshaven chin of an American POW and toss it on the log pile. Enjoy the romance of the flickering flames!


Comrade Blackberry

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Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.