1. Montana and the Dakotas aren't even cool enough to function as subsidiary prairie provinces.

2. If not, soon the joint corporation of Coca-Cola-Disney-Nike-Microsoft will reign supreme.  And we all know that that's OUR job.

3. Their president lies to get himself out of trouble. Our Prime Minister, on the other hand, uses clever psychobabble: "That which was done is what was will be for when things happen for what not I did."

4. Tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, hurricanes...

5. The Grammies.

6. They killed "Kids in the Hall" like Yoko killed the Beatles.

7. Revenge for stolen ideas such as Trivial Pursuit, the V Chip, and Donald Sutherland.

8. Their distasteful preoccupation with guns, drugs, and talk-tv is probably contagious.

9. Everywhere you look -- Americans.

10. We already promised Cuba.

1. Animated .gifs of waving flags. Stop. Please stop.

2. Angel graphics. Especially those with roses. Especially those.

3. Web pages that begin with "now I don't believe in censorship...but join my campaign to get rid of (insertobjectionableitemhere)"

4. Web authors who misspell the names of other countries - not that it matters in their minds, of course. Obviously an American is never going to need the correct spelling of 'Luxembourg'.

5. Web poetry. Oh god. Please stop. Especially poetry that begins with a tribute to freedom and ends with an eagle soaring.

6. If we see that dancing baby ONE MORE TIME.....

7. People who put their ICQ number in Great Big Fonts so that anyone who is at all interested in animated angels can dial them up right quick!

8. If we see that dripping blood animated line ONE MORE TIME...

9. Those who insist on crediting where they got every single piece of dumb clip art or stupid font they found. Nobody cares. Just take it. FOR GODSAKE JUST TAKE IT AND SHUT UP.

10. Sites peppered with "quotes" from such intellects as Jewel, Paula Cole or Trent Reznor. Wow. How alternative you are! Buddy doesn't have anything interesting to say himself eh...


Comrade Cancer

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Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.