Here at Canadian World Domination Headquarters, we believe in promoting a "Total Canadian" attitude amongst our many legions of followers. We enjoy molding the personalities of loyal Canucks to suit our special aims. Headquarters staff is looking for those gifted persons whose narrow-minded patriotic zeal blinds them to anything other than their glorious country and its exalted leaders (namely us). 

Perhaps this simple list will help you determine if you are the type of individual who may be willing to discard his or her personal freedom in order to join the great Canadian collective of collaborative dominators. Naturally, being "Too Canadian" is not an unwanted state, rather, we cherish those fortunates who fit the requirements below and plan to breed them in the future.

NOTE: This is the original "You Might Be Too Canadian" list. You may have seen copies (revised and non-revised) floating around on mailing lists or on personal web sites. You university students are to blame! What marvelously zealous patriots you sweeties are! If you'd like to post this list on your site or publish it elsewhere, remember to credit us. The penalty for plagiarism is a visit with our torture specialists. Of course, when we say "torture specialists", we mean civil servants skilled in long, well-reasoned arguments. And hot coals. Let us not forget the judicious application of hot coals! 

1. You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

3. You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower. 

4. You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme. 

5. You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea. 

6. You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

7. You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around. 

8. You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard. 

9. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.

10. You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government. 

11. You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip. 

12. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!" 

13. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...", "One day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata". 

14. You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.

15. You advocate the abolition of responsible government in favour of monarchist rule. 

16. You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency. 

17. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter. 

18. You participate in Participaction!

19. You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

20. You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

21. You think Peter Kent is sexy. 

22. You think Matt Damon is so-so. 

23. You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets. 

24. You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets. 

25. You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough. 

26. Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel. 

27. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more). 

28. You know the names of all the guys in Sloan. 

29. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government. 

30. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

31. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging. 

32. You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.

33. You know more than 3 guys named Gordon. 

34. You think Ashley MacIssac isn't celtic enough. 

35. You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC. 

36. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do". 

37. You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny. 

38. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

39. You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

40. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

41. You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies. 

42. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day. 

43. You think -10 C is mild weather. 

44. You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

45. You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe). 

46. You know the ingredients for poutine. 

47. You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs". 

48. You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up. 

49. You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role. 

50. You substitute beer for water when cooking. 

51. You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization. 

52. You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'

53. You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'. 

54. You brag about the sweet herb in BC.

55. You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit. 

56. You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top. 

57. You recognize these guys.

58. You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his grandad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nontheless. 

59. You stay up until midnight (the end of some television station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem. 

60. You get up at 5:00 am (the begining of broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem. 

61. You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead of the correct "roof".

62. You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.

63. You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM. 

64. You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny. 

65. Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose. 

66. You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.

67. You die a little inside if you can't get your Tims double-double every morning. 

68. You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.

69. Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize. 

70. You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize. 

71. You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer. 

72. You know who Foster Hewitt is. 

73. You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little white tag is hidden.

74. You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.

75. You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I gets where yer to."

76. When abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian.

77. You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".

78. Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."

79. You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!

80. You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.

81. You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)

82. You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"

83. Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.

84. You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.

85. You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have about the same amount of words for snow as do English speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq" (snow formation about to collapse).

86. Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.

87. You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and squirrel and seagull exhibits).

88. You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.

89. You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.

90. You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.

91. You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.

92. You read rather than scanned this list.


Comrade Roberta

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