at Canadian World Domination Headquarters, we believe
in promoting a "Total Canadian" attitude amongst
our many legions of followers. We enjoy molding the personalities
of loyal Canucks to suit our special aims. Headquarters
staff is looking for those gifted persons whose narrow-minded
patriotic zeal blinds them to anything other than their
glorious country and its exalted leaders (namely us).
this simple list will help you determine if you are the
type of individual who may be willing to discard his or
her personal freedom in order to join the great Canadian
collective of collaborative dominators. Naturally, being
"Too Canadian" is not an unwanted state, rather,
we cherish those fortunates who fit the requirements below
and plan to breed them in the future.
This is the original "You Might Be Too Canadian"
list. You may have seen copies (revised and non-revised)
floating around on mailing lists or on personal web sites.
You university students are to blame! What marvelously
zealous patriots you sweeties are! If you'd like to post
this list on your site or publish it elsewhere, remember
to credit us. The penalty for plagiarism is a visit with
our torture specialists. Of course, when we say "torture
specialists", we mean civil servants skilled in long,
well-reasoned arguments. And hot coals. Let us not forget
the judicious application of hot coals!
You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars"
by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter
between Steven and Ed.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and
You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the
You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's
'88 Calgary Olympics theme.
You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot
You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can
only use more change.
You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the
Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional
fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale,
"what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister,
is good enough for me!"
You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage
Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!",
"You know I canna read a word...", "One
day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata".
You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually
know what the words mean.
You advocate the abolition of responsible government in
favour of monarchist rule.
You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.
You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return
of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find
out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
You participate in Participaction!
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
You think Peter Kent is sexy.
You think Matt Damon is so-so.
You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction
You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction
You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.
Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.
Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on
(and you always have room for more).
You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they
edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill
in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize"
and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive
education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters
from the 95 Referendum.
You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
You think Ashley MacIssac isn't celtic enough.
You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and
wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's
You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling
You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born
a few months early.
You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards,
and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't
get his own category in all three. You scream passionately
at the television when your favourite Canadian performers
are overlooked by their respective academies.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions
Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work
the next day.
You think -10 C is mild weather.
You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie
You know the ingredients for poutine.
You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn
that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".
You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert
Raccoon wakes up.
You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent
hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare
for the role.
You substitute beer for water when cooking.
You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home
with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when
you reach civilization.
You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy
Dinner is 'add more milk.'
You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a.
'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.
You brag about the sweet herb in BC.
You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz"
and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down'
You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative
education placement because you figure you can find lots
of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement
des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.
You recognize these
You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials
they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls
his grandad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative
nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved,
You stay up until midnight (the end of some television
station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national
You get up at 5:00 am (the begining of broadcasting hours)
to hear the Canadian national anthem.
You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead
of the correct "roof".
You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh
Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.
You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.
You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty
Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.
You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either
Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.
You die a little inside if you can't get your Tims double-double
You know the difference between real snow and "television"
snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and
in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should
be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's
not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching
Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize
for making them apologize.
You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band
or imported beer.
You know who Foster Hewitt is.
You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little
white tag is hidden.
You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you
think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.
You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I
gets where yer to."
When abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might
mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately
being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian.
You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".
Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the
best ____ you can ____."
You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important
message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!
You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells
like cigarettes and beer.
You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag"
to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe
the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus
points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your
You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when
Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions"
wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself,
you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the
idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"
Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include
eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night
You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform
Party with better hair.
You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have
about the same amount of words for snow as do English
speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq"
(snow formation about to collapse).
Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad
elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop
of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.
You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to
get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and
squirrel and seagull exhibits).
You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your
brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.
You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both
beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although
Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.
You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured
potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's
kind of gross, but at least you smell good.
You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've
slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May".
You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.
92. You read rather than scanned this list.
Content copyright © 1997-2000 Generals Claire
& Jenny, Canadian World Domination
Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.