The 2000 Summer Olympics are underway!

Canadian athletes are the only folks in Sydney who can make coming in 6th and 23rd look good. Just having a Canadian compete in a particular event brings a touch of class to proceedings. The fact that our boys and girls are a hell of a lot cuter than all the other athletes is probably due to something in the water. Hey, who knew E-coli had beneficial side-effects?

Even if we get our asses kicked in most sports save rowing, there are a few categories where Canada comes out on top most resoundly. What we lack in medals we make up for with "cool". After all, countries like China and America just look like they're trying too hard. Nobody likes keeners!

Here's an evaluation of how Team Canada stacks up against our neighbours Team USA in some of the truly important events of the Olympic games ...


"Emergency exits are here and here ..."

Fly the friendly skies with Team USA

"Not embarrassed to be seen in public!"

Well dressed chicks

Team USA has chosen to go with the "flight attendant" look this year. Strangely, the cowboy hat really ties together the schoolmarm skirt and chiffon scarf. Note the emblem on the blazer - If Hell has a yacht club, this is what the members are wearing.

In khakis and vests, Team CANADA says, "Hey, we're athletes." Avoiding the cringe-worthy duds seen on other nations, Canada's Olympians are stylin'. The floppy hats have what those in the know call "attitude". They cry, "Bring it on baby, bring it on!"

Sex Appeal

"Scary Mesomorph Gymnasts"

Shannon Miller on her ass

"Hot Canadian Babes"

Ms. Horn-Miller of Canada's Water Polo Team

Freaky prepubescent kids with alarmingly large shoulders who've been coached to believe it is "heroic" to compete when injured. As one staffer here commented, "They don't make horses jump when they get hurt." Well puddin', horses are expensive.

Ms. Waneek Horn-Miller !

Australia's Choice

"They did this to Mel Gibson ..."

Mel Gibson in The Patriot


"Commonwealth Buddies"

Commonwealth of Nations flag


America took a perfectly good Mel Gibson and put him in an embarrassingly crummy movie. The story was based on a guy who raped slaves and hunted people for sport, but that's only one of many fun historical inaccuracies found in the film. Under CWD, Mel will be instructed to return to Australia for work on the upcoming feature film: "Mad Max 4: We're All Getting On Well Now That Canada Runs Things"

Fellow members of the Commonwealth of Nations, Australia and Canada somehow managed to forge history without slaughtering the British. Rumours of a conspiracy between the two nations are justified. At the Olympic games, athletes often work together to intimidate and defeat opponents.

AUS: "Yo C, I got your back!"
CAN: "Word, TripleA!"

History of Winning...

Sports where you get to shoot crap up"

Nancy Johnson

"The coolest sports"

Snowboarding victory

Nancy Johnson, Air Rifle

Ross "second-hand smoke" Rebagliati, Snowboarding

Olympics on Television

"You watch what we choose."

nbc logo

"And now ... Three hours of beach volleyball preliminary rounds!"

CBC logo

- Evil corporate entity
- Features taped excerpts
- There are other countries at the Olympics?
- As #1 financial backer of the IOC, in bed with Samaranch to bury drug scandal news

- Public broadcaster
- Features live coverage
- Extensive coverage of events and athletes
- Won't stop mentioning Ben Johnson



Comrade Brian

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Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.