The excuse of "self defense" is often used by
gun supporters in order to secure a world where they can
feel powerful by groping bits of metal that make interesting
noises and come with sexy names like Sig Sauer and Glock
and Winchester. This is also stupid. Canadians of the
New World Order will be expected to defend themselves
from intruders or Christmas Carolers or similar fiends
by other means. We recommend the use of the baseball bat.
It is rare that a child is accidentally killed after his
father's hunting baseball bat goes off in his face. Well,
rare enough (readers, store those bats carefully).
Hunting is another excuse for behaving in an un-Canadian
manner. Sure, we all like buffalo and deer meat. Certainly
we all enjoy a good two week hike in the bush, wrestling
with the elusive Sasquatch and dealing with the lack of
proper sanitation, but our No Guns ruling applies to the
wilderness as well. Use a bow and arrow, use a boomerang,
use that little ropey thing with the teeny balls on the
end that goes around an animal's neck and hits them on
the noggin. But no guns. It's more fun without them anyway.
If you get your thrills from killing some wildlife, we
certainly believe you should play fairly. Guns make the
thing too easy. Under Canadian World Domination all would-be
hunters must apply for a license. This license includes
electronically tagging each individual license-holder,
then releasing them into the wild at our convenience to
battle the elements with only a box of matches, a Roots
tote-bag, a pair of flip-flops and their non-gun weapon
of choice to aid them. Great fun. Fresh air. See your
local Forests and Fisheries Department and sign up now!
Of course, in lovingly hypocritical style, all Canadian
officials, RCMP and Headquarters staff are required to
carry automatic weapons (we of the Generals' staff are
partial to Gatling guns ourselves). This is to ensure
Canadian rule by brutal force, and also to easily disable
criminals attacking government officials with baseball
bats and the like.
American militia groups (soon to be a historical curiosity
under Canadian Domination) and other right-wing nutters
may protest that the government has no right to refuse
guns to law abiding citizens while criminals roam the
streets looking to break into militia strongholds and
steal their dogmatic pamphlets. How silly. The criminal
element of the New World Order will have to make do with
shards of glass and coshes, for all important industries
(such as munitions factories) will be nationalized by
the government, and, rest assured, the weapons will go
to their intended locations and will not end up on the
streets. Unless of course, the government hires independent
assassins to "take out" the whiny pro-gun wackos.
This is a possibility.
Fear not, dear Canucks. We are a loving, generous, and
Content copyright © 1997-2000 Generals Claire
& Jenny, Canadian World Domination.
Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.