The excuse of "self defense" is often used by gun supporters in order to secure a world where they can feel powerful by groping bits of metal that make interesting noises and come with sexy names like Sig Sauer and Glock and Winchester. This is also stupid. Canadians of the New World Order will be expected to defend themselves from intruders or Christmas Carolers or similar fiends by other means. We recommend the use of the baseball bat. It is rare that a child is accidentally killed after his father's hunting baseball bat goes off in his face. Well, rare enough (readers, store those bats carefully).

Hunting is another excuse for behaving in an un-Canadian manner. Sure, we all like buffalo and deer meat. Certainly we all enjoy a good two week hike in the bush, wrestling with the elusive Sasquatch and dealing with the lack of proper sanitation, but our No Guns ruling applies to the wilderness as well. Use a bow and arrow, use a boomerang, use that little ropey thing with the teeny balls on the end that goes around an animal's neck and hits them on the noggin. But no guns. It's more fun without them anyway. If you get your thrills from killing some wildlife, we certainly believe you should play fairly. Guns make the thing too easy. Under Canadian World Domination all would-be hunters must apply for a license. This license includes electronically tagging each individual license-holder, then releasing them into the wild at our convenience to battle the elements with only a box of matches, a Roots tote-bag, a pair of flip-flops and their non-gun weapon of choice to aid them. Great fun. Fresh air. See your local Forests and Fisheries Department and sign up now!

Of course, in lovingly hypocritical style, all Canadian officials, RCMP and Headquarters staff are required to carry automatic weapons (we of the Generals' staff are partial to Gatling guns ourselves). This is to ensure Canadian rule by brutal force, and also to easily disable criminals attacking government officials with baseball bats and the like.

American militia groups (soon to be a historical curiosity under Canadian Domination) and other right-wing nutters may protest that the government has no right to refuse guns to law abiding citizens while criminals roam the streets looking to break into militia strongholds and steal their dogmatic pamphlets. How silly. The criminal element of the New World Order will have to make do with shards of glass and coshes, for all important industries (such as munitions factories) will be nationalized by the government, and, rest assured, the weapons will go to their intended locations and will not end up on the streets. Unless of course, the government hires independent assassins to "take out" the whiny pro-gun wackos. This is a possibility.

Fear not, dear Canucks. We are a loving, generous, and caring tyranny!

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