following three people are villains of the highest order;
the worst of a sin-bath of nasty creeps Canadian World
Domination staff has decided are no-good losers. Once
we purge the evil headed by these daemon-spawn, we can
be reborn as a purer society. One with good taste. And
more "The Nature of Things with David Suzuki".
And that cute boy from Jonovision (namely, Jono).
man is evil. Truly evil. Not only is he not funny, but
by mere accident and to our great shame, he was born in
Canada. The Americans seem to like him, which is one of
the reasons he needs to be dealt with. Severely dealt
with. It won't be pretty. We are talking blowtorches and
ant-hills here. It's impossible to undo the damage he
has done to Canada's reputation as the birthplace of many
fine celebrities (read: Gordon Lightfoot and the Dionne
freaks) so we'll have to force the "comedian"
to sign a confession detailing the deception of his life
and the fact that he was really born in Belgium (where
no doubt, he perfected his chronically unamusing "style"
of "humour"). Then, after that's all settled,
we'll kill him. Kill him good and dead...
to even look at her, isn't it? We apologize to our readers
for this assault on the senses but we always like to provide
images of our enemies so that loyal Canadians can play
"spot the cultural heretic" and possibly engage
in a little constructive vigilantism. Alanis' music is
terrible. Her grasp of irony, extremely suspect -- and
she's not even sure what city she is from (was that Ottawa
or Oshawa, Alanis?). We all thought we had seen the last
of her with "Too Hot To Hold", but she survived
our assassination attempts and later surfaced on the Billboard
charts, a false goddess for 13-15 year old girls everywhere
who are too young and naive to have developed taste (or
good sense). We realize this is alarming, dear readers,
but fear not, she will be "taken care of" in
the blood-thirsty manner we reserve for all ex-Canadians
who shame the nation.
we must apologize for the shock to the system that a close-up
of that favourite of the mediocre set, Celine Dion, brings
to honest Canadian patriots. Worse than boring, actually
in a category of her own, the "sub-boring",
Celine is a true menace to not only fine Canadian music,
but music in a general sense. Upon close inspection it
seems almost impossible for one woman to have spread such
evil in such a short time -- her recent associations with
the uber-cliche wonder-hit "Titanic" no doubt
helping in this regard -- but all must realize that as
Canada has spawned the truly greatest people on earth,
there is a tendency for our villains to be of the same,
albeit perverted, magnitude. Celine's songs, at the same
time insipid and uninspiring, are soothing only to middle-aged
idiots who adore angel dolls made out of yarn and who
probably quote from "Forrest Gump". Of course,
another category of Dion-fan, the "young ignorant",
is composed of stray youth who identify with Celine's
so-called 'romantic' themes and unoffensive, non-threatening
platitudes. This is horribly sad and we can only attempt
to re-educate this youth, or failing that, dispose of
them in an orderly manner. Celine, once captured and forced
to confess to her crimes against humanity, will be sent
to a detention area where trained and polite professionals
will ensure that her heart does not go on...
Content copyright © 1997-2000 Generals Claire
& Jenny, Canadian World Domination.
Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.