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Elections -- What a hassle!
Many
of you must hunger for the day when the leviathan of Canadian
rule will encircle the globe. Knowing wise and measured
decisions will be henceforth made for you by our wise
and measured bureaucracy must be a great comfort in these
stressful times.
Under
Canadian World Domination all citizens of the empire will
be subject to the tyranny of your loving and generous
Generals Claire and Jenny. The future holds no ballot
marking, no wondering "Am I on the list?", just
that warm, safe feeling that comes from knowing you are
cared for by an efficient totalitarian government.
Until
then, enjoy participating in the "democratic process"
- A quaint novelty that soon becomes suspect when you
realize that not only do you have a vote, but so
does that guy you hate and that girl who sucks!
The
following is the official CWD informational pamphlet concerning
the leaders of the main federal parties. Considering the
power of the Prime Minister in the parliamentary system,
it's good to know a little about the folks jostling for
the position. Remember to vote for your favourite pre-revolution
party now so that you may tell your grandchildren you
witnessed the soon-to-be archaic ritual. (Visit
Elections Canada for exciting registration details!)
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Liberal
Jean
Chrétien
Our
allegedly bilingual lingual and assuredly
confuzzled leader. Quite dedicated to perpetually
frustrating Paul Martin. Determined to die in office
and have his corpse stuffed & seated in a conference
room à la Bentham.
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1/
Likely to support CWD?
Unclear. CWD has not yet been the subject of
a Royal Commission.
2/
Use to our bureaucracy?
Valuable.
A statesman skilled at saying nothing and everything
at the same time is a bonus to any organization.
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Progressive
Conservative
Joe
Clark
Red
Tory dinosaur who has somehow evaded the curators
at the ROM to return to lead his party. Using a
coffee stir stick to beat off the unwelcome advances
of the Canadian Alliance. The last stop for sanity
on the road to the Right.
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1/
Likely to support CWD?
Possibly. His cronies say that elusive youth
vote loves the Internet.
2/
Use to our bureaucracy?
Valuable.
Daughter Catherine is widely regarded as "hot".
Advantage: Canada!
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New
Democratic Party
Alexa
McDonough
Smart
woman with a passion for orange blazers and extraneous
hand-gestures. A chick with decent ideas - which
translates as "ignored" in both official
languages. Watch for her pent-up rage to explode
and some serious male ass get kicked during Question
Period.
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1/
Likely to support CWD?
Yes. The appeal of extending social services
to third world unfortunates gets NDP hearts pounding.
2/
Use to our bureaucracy?
Limited.
Your Generals already have a social conscience and
a stack of speeches by J. S. Woodsworth.
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Canadian
Alliance
Stockwell
Day
Demagogue
in a wet-suit who'd be mostly silly if he weren't
mostly scary. Excited about God and squashing minority
rights with referendums on items of social policy.
The latest in a long line of Albertans who think
like Americans.
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1/
Likely to support CWD?
Possibly. The bible mandates: "let them
have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over
the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over
all the earth, and over every creeping thing that
creepeth upon the earth." Gen: 1-26
2/
Use to our bureaucracy?
Limited.
If we ever require someone to legislate against
the poor, students, immigrants and women, we'll
give him a call.
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Parti
Quebecois
Gilles
Duceppe
On
a mission to break up the country, yet still more
civilized than Stockwell Day. Resents General Wolfe,
the federal government, and this sentence written
in English.
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1/
Likely to support CWD?
Yes. Our pals at Molson will pitch the idea
as "Laurentide World Domination."
2/
Use to our bureaucracy?
Valuable.
Duceppe is skilled in the use of forceful argumentation
as weaponry. His rhetoric will be directed towards
those who refuse to bow to the logic of our empire's
superiority.
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