Election Special

Elections -- What a hassle!

Many of you must hunger for the day when the leviathan of Canadian rule will encircle the globe. Knowing wise and measured decisions will be henceforth made for you by our wise and measured bureaucracy must be a great comfort in these stressful times.

Under Canadian World Domination all citizens of the empire will be subject to the tyranny of your loving and generous Generals Claire and Jenny. The future holds no ballot marking, no wondering "Am I on the list?", just that warm, safe feeling that comes from knowing you are cared for by an efficient totalitarian government.

Until then, enjoy participating in the "democratic process" - A quaint novelty that soon becomes suspect when you realize that not only do you have a vote, but so does that guy you hate and that girl who sucks!

The following is the official CWD informational pamphlet concerning the leaders of the main federal parties. Considering the power of the Prime Minister in the parliamentary system, it's good to know a little about the folks jostling for the position. Remember to vote for your favourite pre-revolution party now so that you may tell your grandchildren you witnessed the soon-to-be archaic ritual. (Visit Elections Canada for exciting registration details!)

"Leader your, I am!"


Jean Chrétien

Our allegedly bilingual lingual and assuredly confuzzled leader. Quite dedicated to perpetually frustrating Paul Martin. Determined to die in office and have his corpse stuffed & seated in a conference room à la Bentham.

1/ Likely to support CWD?
Unclear. CWD has not yet been the subject of a Royal Commission.

2/ Use to our bureaucracy?
Valuable. A statesman skilled at saying nothing and everything at the same time is a bonus to any organization.

"Behold my wicked jowls!"

Progressive Conservative

Joe Clark

Red Tory dinosaur who has somehow evaded the curators at the ROM to return to lead his party. Using a coffee stir stick to beat off the unwelcome advances of the Canadian Alliance. The last stop for sanity on the road to the Right.

1/ Likely to support CWD?
Possibly. His cronies say that elusive youth vote loves the Internet.

2/ Use to our bureaucracy?
Valuable. Daughter Catherine is widely regarded as "hot". Advantage: Canada!

"I'm the one with the boobs."

New Democratic Party

Alexa McDonough

Smart woman with a passion for orange blazers and extraneous hand-gestures. A chick with decent ideas - which translates as "ignored" in both official languages. Watch for her pent-up rage to explode and some serious male ass get kicked during Question Period.

1/ Likely to support CWD?
Yes. The appeal of extending social services to third world unfortunates gets NDP hearts pounding.

2/ Use to our bureaucracy?
Limited. Your Generals already have a social conscience and a stack of speeches by J. S. Woodsworth.

"God fucking RAWKS!"

Canadian Alliance

Stockwell Day

Demagogue in a wet-suit who'd be mostly silly if he weren't mostly scary. Excited about God and squashing minority rights with referendums on items of social policy. The latest in a long line of Albertans who think like Americans.

1/ Likely to support CWD?
Possibly. The bible mandates: "let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth." Gen: 1-26

2/ Use to our bureaucracy?
Limited. If we ever require someone to legislate against the poor, students, immigrants and women, we'll give him a call.

"50 + 1 !"

Parti Quebecois

Gilles Duceppe

On a mission to break up the country, yet still more civilized than Stockwell Day. Resents General Wolfe, the federal government, and this sentence written in English.

1/ Likely to support CWD?
Yes. Our pals at Molson will pitch the idea as "Laurentide World Domination."

2/ Use to our bureaucracy?
Valuable. Duceppe is skilled in the use of forceful argumentation as weaponry. His rhetoric will be directed towards those who refuse to bow to the logic of our empire's superiority.


Comrade Lance

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Unauthorized duplication leads to punishment.